The Rebirth of Tsuna Sawada
by White Bass
Summary: Marlyn Monroe said "Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world." Well Tsuna is a girl, he may not be the most brilliant in school, but God could he rock a pair of high heels. (Tsuna-dies-and-wakes-up-like-a-girl-story) The one story where the chapter title is funnier than the actual chapter.
1. With God as My Witness

**Chapter 1: With God as My Witness I Promise Not to Fuck Up This Timeline**

I'm not sure if my chapters are funny or just plain weird.

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At the age of forty-five Tsuna dies surrounded by family and friends. Though he had a short life he died a peaceful death something a few people in the mafia had the luxury to experience, and Tsuna could wholeheartedly say he was grateful for it. He lived a life with no regrets, helped a lot of people on the way, and did it with his dying will.

As Tsuna found himself taking his last breath he blacked out, he blacked out but didn't die. Instead he was drowning, surrounded by a thick and slow liquid preventing him from taking a much-needed breath. With each desperate inhale he felt it reaching deeper inside of him and expanding as it reached his lungs. It hurt, his head was throbbing while his heart pounded rapidly and deafening in his ears.

Until it wasn't anymore.

One breath.

Then another.

And suddenly he was awake.

He was awake, very much alive, and scared shitless.

In his first moments of consciousness he registered a soft bed under him. The sheets were cold from his sweat and suffocating him instead of acting as a comfort, reminding him all too much about the thick liquid seeping through his throat. Kicking them off they landed beside his pillow on the ground. He took another deep breath, held it for a few seconds before slowly releasing it, and repeated it a few times. With the nightmare still prominent in his mind it took a few seconds for him to realize where he was, or more exactly where he wasn't.

Because looking around, Tsuna noticed he wasn't in the Vongola estate. Instead he was in his childhood room, when he still lived with his mother and Reborn was training him to be a mafia boss. It was nostalgic and Tsuna found himself analyzing his surroundings longer than necessary. Slowly he started to realize it was in fact an exact replica of his room except one fatal flaw. It was pink. There were pink walls, a pink wardrobe, pink clothes scattered on the floor, pink, pink, and pink!

Was he in hell? The fond look in his eyes turned sour as he looked around. He knew that he wasn't totally innocent (no one could stay innocent in the mafia) but surely, he wasn't bad enough to end up in hell?

He hoped.

Thinking back, he tried to remember any special moment that made him deserve the right to be dragged down to hell.

Being in the mafia? Like he had any choice.

Running away from the paperwork and creating an unnecessary chase around the mansion with his guardians? Justified.

Pranking his staff? They had it coming

Nothing, nada, no he didn't deserve hell. Well, not entirely… There was that week in May.

Good fucking damn it, he was in hell.

To his surprise he wasn't shaken by that thought as much as he would have liked. Instead Tsuna suspected something was deeply wrong with him when he in fact kind of looked forward to it. You know new experiences and all that.

As he stood up from the bed on to the cold floor, he expected glass, if this was hell that is, or maybe nails, or maybe even Satan in a three-way with God and him but no. When he stood up, he found himself stumble from the change of height but also, looking closely, a sex-change.

Huh

That was new.

First thing first he needed a mirror to look in. Finding no mirrors in the room he opened the only door out of the room and was faced with a hallway. A hallway which was all too identical to his childhood home. Hoping the bathroom was behind the same door he was used to, Tsuna tip-toed to the second door on the other side of the hallway. He peaked inside and saw the same small bathroom he grew up with. Tsuna sighed in relief before stepping inside and closing the door. The bathroom hadn't gone through any home renovations, thank god! No pink here. Except a goddamn pink toothbrush he suspected to be his.

The mirror in the bathroom wasn't as big as he would have liked and reached only his mid-waist, but it was enough for the time being. Looking in the mirror he found himself changed but still the same. It was a strange experience. He had the same bone structure, they were just a bit smoother around the edges, same brown wide eyes, and same petite body structure. Tsuna had always known he looked more feminine in his younger years but now, when turned into a girl, he could truly see the resemblance. The only big difference was his hair, it was in a bob cut style that reached the shoulders instead of his normal anti-gravitation hair. He pulled it and hummed for himself. His hair was a lot softer than usual.

Now you would think Tsuna would freak out by the thought of being in a girl's body, but being raised by an obvious but loving mother, an idiot for a father, raised by Reborn, handled the Vongola, taking care of his guardians, and much fucking more Tsuna had learned the art of 'fuck-it-if-I-am-still-alive-it-can't-be-that-bad' attitude. Which came in real handy now because Tsuna stepped out of the bathroom walked over to his room. Picked up the pillow and sheet from the floor, plopped down in the bed and pulled the sheet over his head. He could figure whatever 'this' was tomorrow.

The only thing was if he'd made a bit of research that night, he'd been prepared for a boy around his age with sharp eyes, spiky dirt blond hair and a much more masculine build than he ever had at that age.

Who was he?

_You're fucking twin brother named Ren. _His hyper intuition told him.

Huh. Never mind that his hyper intuition talked to him and was super rude but first, he turned into a girl and then he got a brother. What was going to happened next? Reborn showing up as his dad? He shivered. He shouldn't even joke about that.

But his hyper tuition was right because his twin-brother's name and their relationship were confirmed by a vague memory. His brother, who was named Ren to his hyper intuition, was an exact replica of his dad, just a darker shade of blonde and his mother's eye color.

Tsuna's chest warmed up at the thought of girl-Tsuna from this universe not being as alone as he had been under his early years, before he met Reborn. That she had a loving mother and brother that took care of her. Knowing what dangers existed out in the world he made a mental note to protect his family better this time an-

"What are you staring at idiot?" his twin-brother sneered at him.

Tsuna halted and blinked at the sudden rudeness, what? His apparent twin brother raised an eyebrow when he didn't answer.

"You too dumb to understand now?" Scratch what he said earlier. He was going to pummel his face into the ground if this kept going.

His brother apparently waited for an answer as his smug grin played on his lips while he leaned back in the chair. What to answer? Tsuna thought for himself. He wanted to come up with something funny, even original, that could silence his brother and leave his mouth hanging open in admiration of his quick-witted humor he had developed.

It wasn't that hard?

_It was_, a silent voice told him in the back of his head.

Shut up, he answered back.

"Talk Da-me-Ts-u-na" Ren spelled out each sound.

Tsuna knew what to do.

"Brother" He called out sweetly and leaned over the table, Ren looked at him like he grew a second head but didn't move as he came closer. Good. Sneaking his hand closer to his head, he had no idea what happened before it was too late. If his brother had been able to look up, he would have seen his little sister with a manic smile and demon eyes with fire in the background, but he wasn't because his face was currently pummeled into his cereal bowl beside him.

It wasn't the ground or anywhere near classy, but it was effective. Spluttering and inhaling milk along with cereal he came up with shocked expression, his mouth hanging open, with milk dripping from his chin and cereal from his cheeks.

Okay he lied about him developing a quick-witted humor, he had just gotten a lot more violent in his later years.

"I'll tell mom!" Ren shouted but Tsuna only rolled his eyes. So, he was a tattletale too.

As if on cue his mother walked into the kitchen. She hummed happily for herself and ignored the scene before her. If there were any more appropriate time his mother oblivion would kick it in it had to be now and see and behold. Ah she was just like he remembered.

She sat down beside his brother and sipped on her coffee while brushing away a cereal which had fling itself across the table and put down her own bowl of cereal like nothing was wrong.

Both eyed her, almost waiting for her to say anything about the situation, but when it was apparent that she wasn't going to comment on it his brother exclaimed angry.

"Mom!"

"Hm, what bunny?" She looked up from her cup of coffee to see her son pointing to his face, the bowl, and wet t-shirt rather vigorously. Like she was noticing the milk spilled out on the table and the spoon half thrown across the table for the first time she frowned.

"What happened here?" Ren's finger changed direction to point at Tsuna. Tsuna who had been grinning the whole time quickly schooled his features to only show confusion.

"She happened! She decided out of nowhere to pound my head into the table!" Tsuna wanted to scoff, 'out of nowhere' was an exaggeration.

"Now I told you to play nice with each other" She scolded them lightly. His brother looked betrayed by her, in which Tsuna tried not to grin happily at him.

"Mom!" his brother really didn't want to give this up. "Aren't you going to say something more?"

"Oh right! We do not hurt each other in this household, understand?" She looked at Tsuna and he put his hand over his heart.

"Mother it gave me as much pain as it did for him"

"You were cackling!"

"That's completely beside the point." Ren's face was slowly turning red and Tsuna stared fascinated on it as he tried to say something but finding no words to explain it he waved his hands in the air before storming out of the kitchen.

"Your brother always gets a bit angry when he's stressed, remember to be nice to him now Tsuna, the try outs to the school's baseball team is this week. I know you two doesn't get along much but try. Right hun?" Nana took a sip of her coffee and looked knowingly at him.

"Sure, I'll try" He sighed. Nana seemed happy with that response and smiled her usual smile that made Tsuna all warm inside. After that he fell into a pleasant conversation with his mom. They talked about the neighbor's dog, or which Tsuna would like to call Satan-spawn, what his mother was up to in these last few days, and school. In which Tsuna listened with an extra ear now because he couldn't remember anything from this life. He wanted to say that this life was different but apparently it was the same as before. No close friends, skipping school, and reading manga.

Ahh yes time for some free time. It was going to be nice this life, he decided.

When Tsuna was done with his cereal, he stood up to put away the dishes, but his mother stopped him before he could disappear into his room.

"Oh! Tsuna if you don't hurry, you'll be late for school"

Fuck, he forgot about school. He would have preferred a three-way with God and Satan honestly.

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\- I don't know if you find this story funny or the worst you ever read, or just plain offensive but I can tell you it was fun writing it. The grammar sucks (I know) but I would like to think it sucks with two c. it succs.

\- Oh, and I read through this one, one last time before posting it and boy it's cringe, (or is it cringe saying cringe?) anyway I just enjoyed writing this silly thing and so I thought I would post it.

\- btw I felt weird marking this as a humor, just because it's subjective but I'm trying…


	2. Too Cool for School

**Chapter 2: Too Cool for School**

And now the four part-arc about how Tsuna tries to skip schoolwork (which really could be shorten down to one chapter, but I had too much fun naming them). These four upcoming chapters will probably be shorter than the first chapter, I thought. Like an idiot. Thanks for all the followers and likes, you make an old woman tear up.

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This was so unfair.

It felt like he just got out of school and now the universe wants him to go back?! He had only four words to the universe "suck my non-existence dick", or was that five words? Either way there was no way in hell he was going back there. Life was unfair and unusual cruel to him.

Tsuna kicked a rock on the sidewalk as he slowly dragged himself to school. He tried to convince his mom that it really didn't matter if he went or skipped but she couldn't be argued with or bought. He tried to tempt her with a shopping trip, cupcakes, or just cakes but she said no to everything.

Really the only good thing with this whole ordeal was that he finally could try on one of the skirts he had in his wardrobe. He'd always wanted to wear skirts and dresses and now when he had a wardrobe full of them there was nothing stopping him. The only thing was that he couldn't enjoy it as much as he would like to because it was a school skirt, and it reminded him of going to school. Which he was currently doing and would rather not. Plus, it didn't have any pockets to his disappointment.

At least it wasn't pink.

His brother went before him, he slipped out when he and his mom talked during breakfast. So, as usual he was faced with going to school by himself. Which he in fact preferred, just because after discovering his brother is a prick, he really did not want to hang out with him any more than necessary.

When the top of the school building started to show just over the houses he couldn't help to stop in his path and groan. He didn't care that people looked at him weirdly as they walked by, not when he was suffering! Just a few more steps and then he would be stuck in a classroom for seven hours learning subjects he already knew. What a useless day this would be.

Tsuna was about to continue forward when he noticed a backstreet to his left and a thought hit him. What if… He glanced around. What if he just happened to take a step to the left. He took a sidestep and glanced, once again, around to check if someone was looking. No one was. You know it wouldn't be so strange if he accidentally got lost, he had in fact not walked this path in, what? Twenty-five years. He too another step. Glancing one last time to see that no one really spared him a second thought he turned his whole body to the left and walked briskly out of sight. As soon he was behind one of the buildings his walk turned into a light skipping as he suddenly felt a lot happier. The only feeling he could remember that resembled this close was that lovely week in May. Ah good times.

He walked in between houses he recognized; houses he knew of but somehow, he'd forgotten. One word to summarize it all would be: strange. Everything was like a distant memory and at the same time not. Tsuna found himself staring more than necessary at the environment around him. He took all this around him for granted, something he always regretted when he grew up, got older, and lost track of time. He bit his lip but shook his head, as if he was trying to shake the thoughts out of his head. Sadly, it didn't work so instead he let his mind wander and guide his feet.

Which is how he ended up in one of the only malls in in Namimori. It wasn't a big one but what it lacked in size it made up in stores. Cramped in between each other, Namimori mall had stores that sold everything from clothes to kidneys, and food from all over the world. The only problem with it was the location. Because not far from it was Namimori's police station. So, when he started his 'training' you could say it didn't take long before he would rather avoid the whole police station altogether than try to visit the mall, thanks for that Reborn. No more clothes, no more kidneys, and no more food court.

Sigh.

But now when he in fact had a new body, and with it a new start, he was free to just walk past them without getting dragged in and questioned about the mafia. Tsuna was so happy he could jump in joy, and you know what? Jump in joy he did. His legs may've been tired from all walking but god he was in heaven right now.

As he 'jumped in joy' past the police station he may have attracted the looks by the cops sitting right outside the building, but it was good attraction. More like "Hey look at that happy person jumping past us" and not like what he was used to: "Hey look at that kid who knows every crime family in Namomori, let's take him in and question him for a couple of hours".

"Hello Miss?"

The mall was so close.

"Miss! I need you to stop"

Ha! Some other poor sucker got stopped. Tsuna gloated as he jumped on to the mall while pondering if he perhaps wanted a taco or two. That was until a hand on his shoulder stopped him. Luckily his hyper intuition warned him before it happened so when it did happen, he looked over more with an annoyed look than a scared one. As he turned, he was faced by a young police officer with black hair and an equal annoyed look on his face. Tsuna frowned more, now it felt just like a competition.

"Miss, haven't you parents learned you that when a cop tells you to stop you stop?" Well no Tsuna wanted to answer because he was used to running from cops. Instead he asked something that been on his mind to change the subject.

"Why are you calling me Miss?" The young man's face turned from annoyance to confusion, and he looked unsure if this was a prank or not.

"Because you are one?" No, he wasn't he wanted to answer but his gut feeling told him to look down before he did that. So, Tsuna looked down and saw his bare legs, slender hips, and breasts. Right he forgot about that little detail.

"Yes, I'm definitely a female. A young female that is" He tried to play it of by laughing, which he hoped the officer would take for embarrassment but judging by his even more confused expression it didn't work. He coughed instead, avoiding eye contact altogether.

"Isn't that the Namimori high school uniform, aren't you supposed to be in school right now?" Oh, this was bad. His brain was going as fast as it could trying to think of an excuse. He couldn't go back to school now, he still remembered how brutal Hibari was when he was younger. Come on brain think of something.

"…No" Stupid mouth the brain wasn't ready yet, Tsuna cursed himself.

"No?" The cop raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah." Think, think, think. Wait. Tsuna could always do what he did in his later days in the mafia when he got in trouble with the police. The cop eyed him as Tsuna took out his pocket money he originally was going to buy a taco for and moved closer to him.

"Let's just say that you didn't see me here" He said and put the money in his breast-pocket. It was quiet for a moment as the police officer went through several stages of shock.

"A-are you trying to bribe me?"

"If it's working, yes." He scanned the police officer. Usually they would have walked away by now, but he was still here. Getting redder and redder by the second, of anger or embarrassment was still unsure. He hoped for embarrassment, but his heavy breathing told him otherwise.

"I'll need your name and phone number to your parents." Ah well fuck, time for plan B then when this didn't work.

"Yes of course, it's just in my pocket" Tsuna said as he took a step backwards as if he was looking for space when he patted his skirt. He waited until the police officer glanced away before shooting of.

"Ha suck it!", he screamed, "If you ever been a female you would know that their clothes don't have pockets!" It wasn't an ideal situation, but he was high on adrenalin as he spurted of and felt just pure happiness. You could take the man out of the mafia, but you couldn't take the mafia out of the man… or woman in this case. He laughed; he couldn't help it this was so much fun! That was until the police officer caught up with him.

How the fuck? His eyes widen.

He was in prime condition, he'd been running from the police longer than he could remember, he practiced every morning with Hibari, he hadn't felt soreness in his muscles for a very long time – oh no wait he was dying. His legs hurt from just that tiny spurt and he couldn't breath as much as he needed, and then he tripped. After that the whole chase ended as quickly as it begun. The police had him corned and with a hand on his shoulder guided to their building. This body wasn't as in good shape as he was used to.

If he got out of this with his dignity intact, he was going to start jogging or really anything that would improve his stamina.

The police officer, which he learned later was named Hiroto, placed him in a chair beside the secretary as he rang for his mother. Tsuna tried first by not giving his name but one of the other people in the police station recognized him as Nana's daughter and after that it was pretty difficult to deny who he was.

So, there he sat for forty-five minutes with Hiroto just smiling at him in evil, and he didn't get his money back either. Humph, he wished his mother would come and get him soon, he was rotting away on this chair.

And when you speak of the devil, the devil may come. His mother stormed through the doors, scanned the room until her eyes landed on him. She had fire in her eyes and her usual smile was replaced with _the smile_. The smile that made you regret being born in first place, while knowing at the exact same time she could make that happen.

_Well you're fucked_, his hyper intuition told him. It looked like he wouldn't get out of this with his dignity intact.

Then she started, she didn't scream or mock him like other mothers do, no she was so much worse. With the smile still in place she started talking. It been a long time Tsuna got this kind of lecturing and he forgotten how bad it truly was. He wanted to stand up and say he was a forty-five-year-old man, but he felt like his mom would have a hard time believing him. As she started to go on about his future and school-life he blacked out, he couldn't handle the pressure.

Tsuna awoke when his mother went quiet and had resolved to just glaring at him. Then she sighed. "Tsuna how can we make you go to school with so little fuss as possible?"

Now it was his time to finally speak.

"There's nothing you can say that will change my mind." Maybe a bit more rude than he would have wanted. Nana tilted her head and thought in silence for a while.

"If you start going to school, we will take this weekend off and buy new clothes and furniture to your room."

Oh, she was good. How did she know that he hated pink? His mother had a knowing glint in her eyes, she knew that she caught his attention and was thinking over the whole thing, and just because of that he was tempted to say no. But then how bad could it be? It was just a bit school and he could always sleep through the lessons, she only wanted to him to show up to them. He could handle that, he thought and sighed.

"Okay, I guess I'm going to school then." Do it for the non-pink clothes.

_The smile _turned into a smile, he could finally breath out in relief.

"Good now let's go home"

And it was just so long ago he heard her say it that his heart clenched at that simple statement and he had to blink away the tears.

"Okay" He said and took her hand as she offered it. He could handle school if this was his reward.

**Extra Scene:**

Maybe he was going to see how Hibari was doing, he was thinking for himself as he walked on the very off limit roof-area Hibari liked to nap.

"Omnivore, die." He heard as soon as he opened the door.

"Come on Hibar-", He started but saw the Tonfa flying towards him. His body though still a thirteen-year-old girl's body and not a 45-year old male with ton of experience with fighting couldn't react fast enough. It hit him right in the jaw with a satisfied, on Hibari's part probably, crack.

D-did he just hit me? Tsuna thought for himself.

"Fuck you Hibari! Fuck your Tonfas! And fuck your future bird! I don't need to take this kind of abuse"

Hibari didn't waste a second after that to attack him again, and just so you know there's dignity in screaming and running away when your life is in danger.

One thing was sure. He's avoiding Hibari for as long as he could.

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This is like the only time you're going to see Hibari until Reborn tries to 'befriend' him. Maybe the ending was a bit too cheesy but meh, I tried something.

(Me thinking about my plot-planning, writing-skill, and humor): It can't get worse than this.

(Me seeing what plans I have for the next chapter): Hm apparently it can.


End file.
